Only in hindsight is it evident that since I can remember I had one goal — to change what “is” and achieve the next and the next and the next thing.
I venture to say I am less than unique in that I “grinded it” for 22 years in the business/corporate world. Chasing or inventing “things” to affect a sale or the stock price of the company I was working or positioning myself for the next major win and career move. The thrill of the game was invigorating at times; I met many amazing people from across the globe and all walks of life. (I kept in touch with only a few –apparently their presence didn’t appear “to serve” an immediate need, urg – how shallow). Prior to that I was either a child navigating my way through what life had thrown in its path such as a brother, parents, extended family and college – college which I have been told I solidly “milked” for 6 years and squeaked-out with one B.S. degree.
Only in hindsight is it evident that since I can remember I had one goal — to change what “is” and achieve the next and the next and the next — thing. As a child I knew that I needed to be independent, never be controlled or reliant on anyone. I aimless scrapped my way through elementary, junior high, high school and then college with hope some way, somehow I would emerge to earn some money and be “independent” of everyone. By most definitions of Western thought, one would say I have achieved some level of success. I was a nationally ranked athlete, woman with a technical degree (B.S. Engineering/Technology), Executive Education from a big time school, continued upwardly mobile career path, met and worked with the “pillars” of the corporate world (you’d know some of the names if I mentioned them) – even the Senior Executive of some major and emerging corporations. I made some money that afforded houses, cars, vacations, fun with friends – and even had pets, physical health, and a loving husband.
But wait — I was STILL massively unsettled – perhaps even depressed and anxiety ridden (although I never knew the definition/symptoms of anxiety and depression). That said, of course, unhappiness, depression and anxiety were things of “weak people” and would never be me. I tried to shift my focus, helping others [mentored business acquaintances and helped friends and family members].
I figured if I did enough good, my “ship would come in” and life would serve me my just due – HAPPINESS! I pushed for good. And yet; I still felt empty and unsettled.
I liked giving, but think the effort many times was misguided as I thought in some recesses of my mind that if I gave enough (to many) whether it be money, knowledge, kindness, mentorship, job security/opportunity – – the proverbial Gods would smile on me. And by some act of carnal knowledge that somehow, some way the world, its people, would rally (streaming confetti with a small marching band) to give me my just reward — all things, eternal peace, happiness, material wealth, etc.
Strangely enough that is exactly what has happened; the proverbial Gods smiled on me. POOWW I experienced a massive shift in consciousness. Now it’s been 10 or 12 years. At the onset there was massive change: colors were literally brighter (now my norm), clarity in seeing the world and all of its beauty — it exists everywhere (yes even in pain), a deeper connectedness to people and the world; I was overcome with a sense of almost weightlessness and floated through life (I think in contrast to the previous perceived heaviness); opportunities abound all around me. My ability to focus was unprecedented (and I always thought I had ability to focus). It’s crazy! I would never in my wildest dreams, have known life could exist in such a manner. But of course, now — I know it within the depth of my being.
What I am certain; the Gods smiled on me. But most importantly I now know they were always smiling on me, I was just unable or resistant to receiving it. It’s like I was living in a parallel universe. Not seeing opportunities for love, peace and goodness that were abundantly full and in front of me at any given time.
So that brings me to my new passion – life and its real joy. It is a gift (sounds like the corniest thing ever – perhaps we could bring in the unicorns about now??). I get that now. And furthermore, I want everyone to experience the joy, enlightenment and levity I felt and presently feel. If I had a magic wand I’d beam goodness into each human being to remove individual burdens and alter their states to share what I experience.
Reality check: is there is no magic wand. What I do have is my intention, my voice and my actions.
I am setting out to broaden my direct interaction with people and therefore this website and my art. I have experienced something truly transformational. Call it spiritual (which kind of doesn’t sit right with me because that term is bastardize, overused and construed with religion), it’s an awaking to perceiving the world and all within it (perhaps a deeper level of existence?). One where you see infinite connections, but yet utter simplicity in every tangible and non tangible “thing”.
I feel the human condition with every depth of my being. Actually understand – “seeing thy neighbor as thy self.” With some people I have extremely deep feelings (passion, sorrow, depth of love, perceived understanding). Others are more esoteric in their energy absorption to me or through me. Yet I still see them at another level of depth. I look forward to what each day brings.